"Where you going?" "I don't know."

Every now and again, I come across these moments of sobriety where I am more capable of reflecting on my life(life being my goals, dreams, ideals, faith, etc). It is in these times that I get my best(and mostly only) journaling done. During this weekend, I realized that my life is out of line. 

-My goals are based around money. 

-My dreams hinge on possessions. 

-My ideals revolve around my desires. 

-My faith is stagnant. 

I suppose getting to somewhere that growth is possible needs to become the destination. However, growth is more elusive than it needs to be in my life. Instead of craving spiritual milk, I crave self-sufficiency. The last thing I want is help and help is the first thing I need.  

So how do I squash my pride? Is it really possible? The answer is no. Pride is unavoidable because humanity is totally depraved. Now, does this mean that God is incapable of working through me and sanctifying me? Can God purge me of my pride ever so slowly? Yes. He most definitely can. Will it happen during my lifetime? No. 

Fatalism is a word that comes to mind. Foresight is another. I cling to the former and have very little of the latter. This is the crux of my life's problems.

"I see, in one place, God in providence presiding over all, and yet I see, and I cannot help seeing, that man acts as he pleases, and that God has left his actions, in a great measure, to his own free-will. Now, if I were to declare that man was so free to act that there was no control of God over his actions, I should be driven very near to atheism; and if, on the other hand, I should declare that God so over-rules all things that man is not free enough to be responsible, I should be driven at once into Antinomianism or fatalism.That God predestines, and yet that man is responsible, are two facts that few can see clearly. They are believed to be inconsistent and contradictory to each other. If, then, I find taught in one part of the Bible that everything is foreordained, that is true; and if I find, in another Scripture, that man is responsible for all his actions, that is true; and it is only my folly that leads me to imagine that these two truths can ever contradict each other. I do not believe they can ever be welded into one upon any earthly anvil, but they certainly shall be one in eternity. They are two lines that are so nearly parallel, that the human mind which pursues them farthest will never discover that they converge, but they do converge, and they will meet somewhere in eternity, close to the throne of God, whence all truth doth spring." - Charles Spurgeon

I cannot help but pursue the lines to their end.